Mirror Mirror

I’ve always had the talent- some might even call it a virtue- for being a social chameleon. I can easily drift in and out of different social scenarios and “play the part” accordingly. I can hang with the hippies in the drum circles on the beach. I can elegantly blend into lavish events at five-star venues with my family. I can march through the desert half-naked at Burning Man (that’s right, I said half-naked- I don’t do the full monty). I can wave my hands happily at hip-hop shows… or rock shows… or puppet shows.

I’ve prided myself on my ability to adapt myself to each social situation seamlessly, so that I blend in- with only a hint of my true essence perceptible, like a perfume wafting through the air that you might not even realize you sense, but on some level you know it’s there-Eau De Julie.

Over the past several years, as I’ve done a lot of work on myself to evolve as a person (and a spiritual entity), I’ve realized that the “asset” that I was so proud of, was actually more of a flaw. The chameleon aspect of myself was just me putting up a wall. And on that wall was a mirror- reflecting back the image of whoever I was with or wherever I was. It was never really me. But at the same time it was all me.

I love hippies, and I love lavish events and I love hip-hop and I love intellects and I love dumb fun and I love so, so many things (at the same time I can also roll my eyes and/or laugh at any of those very same things) that have become integrated into who I am as a person. I am not one or the other. I am the total sum of these people, places and things that I choose to surround myself with or participate in.

I’ve done a lot of work on trying to blur the lines- the defined edges of the wall that I put up- so that I no longer separate my true self from whoever I’m with or wherever I’m at. I’ve done an okay job so far. But I still block a lot of who I truly am from being seen- I haven’t allowed the total sum of the equation to reveal itself. The wall I used to have up was much taller and wider than it is now. The current “wall” I have up is more like a small partition or a full length mirror I’m holding in front of me- you know that I’m there- but there’s still something between us.

The truth is- we are all reflections of one and other and different people draw out different aspects of our personalities- that’s what is so special about the different connections we have with different people. But I no longer want to compartmentalize myself so that only hippy Julie hangs with the hippies and only refined Julie goes to the five-star restaurants and only urban Julie goes to hip-hop shows. I want five-star-hippy-hop-rainbows-and-sunshine-piss-and-vinegar Julie to be present everywhere I go.

There’s a reason I love peacocks so much- and they serve as the perfect totem for me right now. The peacock distinctly shows his true colors no matter where he is. Some might see the magnificent beauty and uniqueness in the eye of each feather. Some might see the obnoxious loud mouth. But everyone sees a peacock.

There’s also a reason I love Chelsea Handler. Like the peacock, some might see the beauty and uniqueness of who she is being flaunted- and some might see the obnoxious loud mouth. But I appreciate so much the fact that no matter where you see her, whether it’s on The View with Barbara Walters, on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, or on her own round table- you always see the same person. And it’s not someone she’s trying to be or an image she’s trying to project- it’s just her.

My intention is to let that peacock serve as my totem, along with the giraffe, and Chelsea Handler… and Sofia Vergara and *Amy Winehouse and Erykah Badu and… the list goes on…

*I believe that Amy Winehouse had too much God in her for one small human body to contain. No matter how big her hair was it was never big enough to house all that God- and she imploded… and I will always miss her. But that’s for another blog, I just had to interject that.

I want to stand tall and proud, flaunting the true essence of who I am- the virtues and the “flaws”. I want to stay grounded- as if I had four feet. I want to show off the best of who I am but not be afraid to show the rough edges. Because I know that I am beautiful. I am charming. I am charismatic. I am hilarious. I am refined. I am deep. I am intuitive. I am loving. I am kind. I am joyful. I am curious. I am inquisitive. I am grateful. I am generous. I am honest. I am clever. And I am brilliant.

I am also scarred. I am bitter. I am controlling. I am opinionated. I am crass. I am overzealous. I am stubborn. I am lazy. I am angry. I am fearful. I am insecure.

I am lost and I am found.

I am all of these things in one. And I am Me- hard working on becoming balanced in all aspects of myself so that the totality of who I am is always visible- wherever I am, whoever I’m with. I don’t want to hide behind reflections of who I think you want to see, I want to be the reflection of who you are- as I am.