She is Me

*Originally published 3/5/2014

For years people would ask me, “Is it Julie or Julia?”

“Either.” I’d reply.

Then I’d usually get a playful scoff and, “well, what does it say on your birth certificate?”

Then I’d have to go into the whole spiel: “When I was born, my parents named me Julie. A week later they legally changed my name to Julia. I went by Julia until I was about five or six, then I decided I wanted to be called Julie.”

I was Julie ever since. Until I was 29 and going through a major personal transformation, I realized that it was time to lay Julie to rest.

I was already in this death/rebirth period of my life and there was a huge part of who I had always been and what my life had always been that was dying. It was very painful, but it needed to happen. And with every death comes a rebirth. So Julie was dying a slow, painful death. And Julia was enduring a long, slow journey through the birth canal, and towards the light.

I started using my full, legal name, Julia Rebecca Miron, on paper. I even stared a new Facebook profile for Julia. But Julie was putting up a fight.

You might not think that there’s much of a difference in such a simple name change, but even Urban Dictionary has different (and quite accurate) definitions for Julie and Julia.

It was scary becoming someone new. I knew how to be Julie. I had it down. Julia, I did not know how be. So for quite a while I would use Julia on paper, but still say, “My name is Julia, but I go by Julie.” It was like using training wheels.

But eventually, over the past few years I have been slowly stepping into Julia. People are still pretty confused about it. My family and a lot of friends and coworkers still call me Julie. But whenever I meet someone new I introduce myself as Julia. Now it’s to the point where when family or friends introduces me as Julie, I kind of cringe. I do NOT want to be Julie anymore.

First off, Julia is who I am, and I don’t want to deny that anymore. Even if there was confusion at the beginning, my name is Julia.

Julie was a very special girl. She was loving and kind and strong and smart. She was also insecure, needy, demanding, fearful, co-dependent, reactive, judgmental, controlling, lazy, submissive, passive-aggressive, arrogant, inferior, apologetic and self-righteous. She was a doormat, a victim, a follower, a martyr. She was always picked last for teams. She was a dreamer and a seeker. She put everyone else first and took what she could get. 

Julie was sick of who she was.

Julia stands tall and confident. She is grounded, calm, understanding, and accepting. She is brave, humble,  responsible (able to respond well), daring, determined and wise.  She is a creator, a leader, a protagonist, a champion. She takes care of herself first (so that she may take care of others better). She is sought after. She creates her own teams. Julia asks for what she wants and does not apologize for (or deny) who she is. Julia is healthy, healed, and a healer.

She is who I always wanted to be.

She is Me.

~Maktub~

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