*Originally published 9/16/2014
I’ve spent most of my life being told I was wrong by the people I trusted. Therefore I went on to trust people who continued to tell me I was wrong. This manifested as an internalization of believing that there is constantly something wrong with me- for the way I think, the way I feel, the way I speak, the way I look, the choices I make, the choices I don’t make, for what I do, for what I don’t do, for being exactly who I am, how I am, as I am, flawed and imperfect… there is something wrong with me. I am unworthy of having all that I want and being all that I wish to be, because there is no way I can achieve greatness with all of the things I have wrong with me. There is no way I can have loving, healthy, nurturing relationships- I’m flawed, I’m imperfect, and those I’ve trusted have assured me of this. Those I have trusted have taken their love away at the slightest exposure of flaws or imperfections. They have assailed me with their ideas of who is right and who is obviously wrong. I learned to hide who I was, what I wanted, where I wanted to go, even from myself. I lived in a prison within.
And then I woke up.
And everything changed.
I stood up, I walked away, I put up boundaries, I bent in the storm, I broke, I put myself back together, I climbed, I WORKED, I enforced my boundaries, I found new people to trust, and I LOVED.
But then, even though I learned that I am ok just the way I am, that what I think, feel, say, or do is ok… as long as it’s ok with me (because that’s all that matters), and what other people think doesn’t have anything to do with me; I continued to internalize “there’s something wrong with me” in new ways. Body twitches- “there’s something wrong with me!” Congestion- “there’s something wrong with me!” Lethargy- “there’s something wrong with me!” Sore muscles “something’s wrong with me!” Dizziness- “there’s something wrong with me!”… Hypochondria! “THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME!”
And still I dig deeper. Uncovering layers of past garbage that still pollutes my psyche at the deepest levels. I dissect, I operate, I reprogram, I LOVE. I find the ways that people continue to tell me there is something wrong with me, and try to convince me they’re right. Only this time I don’t believe them. I know my truth. And I know they can only see me through the polluted filter of their own past experience and lack of unerstanding. And even when I am being the most loving and caring and healthy human being I can possibly be, they will still find ways to tell me I’m wrong. And when I’m not being the most loving and caring and healthy person, they most definitely will find ways to tell me I’m wrong.
I continue to make mistakes, because I am human. I continue to learn from those mistakes and solve any problems that arise, as best I can. I continue to move forward with hope and intention for better luck next time.
I continue to right my wrongs.