Month: August 2016

“STUFFED”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it many times again- personal growth is my number one passion and my number one job. I love this work and I know that my purpose, and my job, is to do the work, and tell my stories about it.

My current assignment is dissecting and dismantling my long ingrained pattern of procrastination, and forming a new, healthier pattern. But the more I work on it, the more I see how ingrained this pattern really is.

These issues that we all have, it’s easier to see where they have a big presence and create larger impediments, but if we really look closely, get the microscope and tweezers out, we can see how they actually show up all over the place in our lives, sometimes in very small and subtle ways. And this makes the work a lot more challenging.

It’s not like we can just zap it in one area of our lives and boom, we’re fixed. If we really want to change ourselves for the better it takes continual, at times intense, work- noticing all of the little ways in which these patterns show up in our lives- doing the dishes, making the phone calls and appointments, having the difficult conversations, confronting people who hurt us, doing the good deed, taking big leaps of faith and courage… writing the blog post.

Sometimes procrastination shows up for me in putting off positive things too- having the glass of wine, eating the piece of chocolate… sometimes even going to the bathroom– I’ll wait. Til commercial. Til there’s a break in conversation. Til after I eat. Til I’m finished with this or that task… Sometimes that makes sense and is important, but a lot of the time, for me, it’s just a way of putting another thing off.

I truly believe that how we do one thing is how we do everything. Procrastination is just a form of pushing things away. And if I am pushing away all of the little things in life, then I am probably pushing away the big things in life too- money, success, great love, dreams, adventures, growth. I put those things out of my own reach, because I’ve made sure that everything happens later.

Ironically,  paying the bill now, actually brings me closer to my money- even if it is being paid out. When I put off paying bills I am pushing my money, and what I do with it, away from me. Doing the dishes right now, brings me closer to freedom. If I wait to do the dishes later they pile up, they create a block in the space I have available, literally, yes, the physical space, but also in the space I have available to do other things with my time- because the dishes and the bills have to be paid. So somewhere in my time frame I will have to stop and do that. I limit my free time and space. Doing it now, gets it out of the way. Writing the blog post now, gets what I have to say out my head and onto the page. It allows for the catharsis to happen now, instead of later. Because if I put off catharsis, what I have to release may end up shifting shape and get internalized in other ways. Writing the blog post now allows for an opportunity to connect with people in this moment, instead of thinking of it as a future event that may or may not ever happen.

I’ve been gaining a lot of insight with this current work, but the insight is just the fun part. The AHA moments are like little shots of euphoria. But they mean nothing without the, often grueling, work to back it up.

I love this work more than anything, but it sure as hell ain’t easy.

I’m doing my best, but my best, right now, in this subject, isn’t as great as I would like it to be. My success rate for catching myself in the old patterns, and making the choice and taking the action to do things differently, is probably around 60%. Yeah, not great. But I’m growing, and stretching,  and that’s what learning is all about. You don’t arrive in a classroom already having the knowledge you came to learn, already knowing how to do the things you are being taught. It takes time and practice.

And it is not easy. It is not comfortable. When we stretch in new ways, there’s usually a period of feeling sore. When we really roll up our sleeves and get to work, it brings all our “stuff” to the surface, all the stuff that normally we try to snuff out with whatever our vice of the moment is- TV, video games, social media. Sex, drugs, Rock’n’ roll. Work, exercise, cleaning. None of those things are inherently bad, per se, but they are often used as a form of escape, and can become unhealthy habits when they get out of balance and become obsessive. And none of those things makes any of the “stuff” go away. So the sooner we can bring it to the surface, allow ourselves to writhe in and through the discomfort, the more quickly it can run its course and teach our lessons.

And I believe the core of all self-improvement is mindfulness. Getting present helps to unravel all of the twisted and tangled habits and patterns we become entrenched in. It help us to become aware of the choices we make, and choose differently if that’s what’s best. It helps us to respond instead of react. It helps us to live with intention and create a more fulfilling way of life for ourselves.

Mindfulness is just one of the many tools to help us do this work. I’ve been doing this work long enough that I have this tool box, filled with all kinds of shiny, golden, gem encrusted tools (and some gnarly looking ones as well), and I want to share them, to help people build more beautiful, fulfilling lives for themselves.

So while I’m over here doing this work, I am offering to share these tools with you, because part of this work that I love so much, is helping others to their work. So when you’re ready, Grasshopper, I’ll be here.

~Maktub~

procrastination-quote

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On Purpose

It is so easy to live passively. Even if we set goals. Even if we achieve goals. So many moments are just lived in reaction to what happens to us. But if you just move one letter, reacting becomes creating. And I believe true happiness comes from living a life of creation versus reaction.

I spent a long time and a lot of hard work learning how to live with intention, to live on purpose… to live with purpose. And my purpose is simply to do my work and tell my stories about it, with the ultimate intention of helping others. That is why I am here. My soul has whispered this to me too many times for me to believe anything else.

Every moment I possibly can is chosen– which requires vigilant presence. I’ve lived passively. I’ve lived in reaction. Now I live a life of creation.

I’m not perfect. I don’t claim to be. I fuck up. I forget. I lose sight and get off track. But that is the great gift I have received over the past couple years of holding my words in. I have learned to accept my imperfections, in a very deep and loving way. Instead of holding onto them so tightly, and beating myself over the head with them, I watch them come and go. And I let them. Then I work a little harder, and love a little wiser.

And, I always come back- to this knowing, to this purpose, to this life of and on purpose. And I am so much happier for it. All of it.

 

~Maktub~BEING AN ARTIST

Starting Over

I often joke, when referencing my past, saying things like “that was several lifetimes ago.” Or, “I’ve lived a few lives since then.” And I believe there is truth to that. I believe in reincarnation, because I have reincarnated so many times already.

I have lived so many versions of myself. There have been so many “starting overs.”

And yet again, I find myself starting over. Here, on this page.

I stopped blogging a while back, for many reasons, most of which I can’t quite put my finger on. And so I’m trying doing it again.

Starting over.

Not knowing where I am going or what will come of this. Maybe it will be yet another lone blog post infused with the hope that it will spark momentum. Or maybe it will be a whole new journey for me. I have no agenda this time. Except vulnerability.

I am re-learning how to be vulnerable again (in this context), so that I may practice being vulnerable with you. Because I miss that. I miss exposing myself in this way, showing you parts of myself that allow you to see YOU in it all. I miss connecting with people in deep ways over what I have to say and what you feel from it.

“Lack of inspiration” is one of the many excuses I give myself for not blogging. But inspiration is infinite, and if I really want it, I can find ways to tap into it. I think lack of courage is a more fitting excuse- closer to the truth.

But the theme of my life these days is “moving towards fear.” Because when I revisit Who I’ve Been, I can see that the happiest times in my life, the most powerful and fulfilling times in my life, have been when I have been actively doing things that scare me.

It is a constant practice. And when I found myself stuck, complacent, lost, confused, and anxiety ridden, the root of it all was fear. Not the existence of fear, but letting fear control me- paralyze me.

I doubt it’s any coincidence that next week I will celebrate 36 journeys around the sun. A new year. A new cycle. A new age.

Starting over.

I have to say, this past year has been a challenging journey. It’s felt a little more like a detour, which has led me back to where I diverted from.

Starting over.

And where I am starting from, and where I have ended up- is always Me. I Am the journey. I Am the destination. I Am Who I Am, and I always come back to that.

And so I step into the light once again, and allow myself to be seen. I’m reminded that even though it’s scary, it’s also so very beautiful.

And so it is.

 

~Maktub~