Starting Over

I often joke, when referencing my past, saying things like “that was several lifetimes ago.” Or, “I’ve lived a few lives since then.” And I believe there is truth to that. I believe in reincarnation, because I have reincarnated so many times already.

I have lived so many versions of myself. There have been so many “starting overs.”

And yet again, I find myself starting over. Here, on this page.

I stopped blogging a while back, for many reasons, most of which I can’t quite put my finger on. And so I’m trying doing it again.

Starting over.

Not knowing where I am going or what will come of this. Maybe it will be yet another lone blog post infused with the hope that it will spark momentum. Or maybe it will be a whole new journey for me. I have no agenda this time. Except vulnerability.

I am re-learning how to be vulnerable again (in this context), so that I may practice being vulnerable with you. Because I miss that. I miss exposing myself in this way, showing you parts of myself that allow you to see YOU in it all. I miss connecting with people in deep ways over what I have to say and what you feel from it.

“Lack of inspiration” is one of the many excuses I give myself for not blogging. But inspiration is infinite, and if I really want it, I can find ways to tap into it. I think lack of courage is a more fitting excuse- closer to the truth.

But the theme of my life these days is “moving towards fear.” Because when I revisit Who I’ve Been, I can see that the happiest times in my life, the most powerful and fulfilling times in my life, have been when I have been actively doing things that scare me.

It is a constant practice. And when I found myself stuck, complacent, lost, confused, and anxiety ridden, the root of it all was fear. Not the existence of fear, but letting fear control me- paralyze me.

I doubt it’s any coincidence that next week I will celebrate 36 journeys around the sun. A new year. A new cycle. A new age.

Starting over.

I have to say, this past year has been a challenging journey. It’s felt a little more like a detour, which has led me back to where I diverted from.

Starting over.

And where I am starting from, and where I have ended up- is always Me. I Am the journey. I Am the destination. I Am Who I Am, and I always come back to that.

And so I step into the light once again, and allow myself to be seen. I’m reminded that even though it’s scary, it’s also so very beautiful.

And so it is.

 

~Maktub~

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